Sunday, January 20, 2008

Review: Cloverfield

I just played basketball with my friends for the first time in a few months. My body hurts everywhere. My hips, my back, and my feet throb if I attempt to move. On top of that, I worked out my abs at the gym for the first time in a few months, and now I need to use other muscles in order to sit up in bed. It's pathetic.

But...

Not as pathetic as Cloverfield! ...Yes, that tie-in was lame, but I needed to write about my muscle pain, as I am grimacing at this very moment. But I'm a trooper, and I will write this post when I should be lying on a bed of ice instead.

Cloverfield is by far the most disappointing movie that I've ever watched, in comparison to my expectations. I was so pumped to watch this movie, that I was willing to standing in line for 1 hour + to catch the 11:45 PM show. The mystery of the trailers, coupled with JJ Abrams' producer credits, coupled with my love for big-budget destroy-the-whole-city movies, should have equaled success.

I feel betrayed by the marketing hype-machine. What will happen with the kick-ass trailers that we watched on Friday night? Hellboy 2? Iron Man? Star Trek 8? I was pumped for each of those, but after Cloverfield stole my innocence, I will never love a movie trailer again.

So what made Cloverfield such a failure? *** SPOILER WARNING STARTS ***
  • I couldn't care less about the characters. Their motives all sucked. There wasn't enough time to build any of them to a point to where I cared about them. So I didn't care when they died.
  • I've seen this all before. I Am Legend did a better job at painting a fallen Manhattan. Godzilla showed us a monster destroying buildings in NY. Outbreak and Aliens showed us the panic of contagion and crazy little critters infecting you with their alien crappiness. Children of Men and Saving Private Ryan had scenes with armies moving through the city. So what was new and exciting about any of it?
  • I hate cheesy love scenes.
  • I hate crappy comic relief.
  • Faking digital camcorder footage sucks. This format doesn't work. The lack of quick cuts leaves you disinterested as you continue to stare at stuff that was interesting for the first half a second, but not for the other 9.5 seconds. It also leaves you dizzy.
  • The lack of a score also sucked. Music made movies like Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction.
*** SPOILER WARNING ENDS ***

I like to end my posts with a witty comment to tie everything together. But I'm tired. Just promise you'll heed my advice. Don't watch this movie.

1 comment:

Shaun said...

I wish I sold you guys out to stay home and sleep that night. The movie was a disaster. I actually preferred seeing 27 dresses the next day.... (I'm serious0